A happy marriage seems to only exist in fairy tales in today’s world. The divorce rate is rising each year. If you ask the average married couple, they will admit that divorce has crossed their minds many times. Men are looking for wives who won’t nag and actually understand them. Women are looking for husbands who are sensitive to their needs and actually understand them. In the end both parties of a marriage are looking for the same thing: a happy relationship. But how can a marriage survive much less be happy in this day and age? Much of it means coming back to the basics of human relationships. 1. Communication The biggest success indicator in any relationship (personal or professional) is good communication from all parties. Looking at the bare basics of it, communication does not involve just talking to someone or keeping them up to date on things. These are important parts, but communication goes much deeper than that. If you’ve never taken a speech/communication class, you should. You begin to learn that communication might involve you speaking, but that is only the beginning. Person A speaks – communication begins. Person B listens (not just hears). Person B communicates verbally or physically that they understand what Person A said (either by acting out or repeating what THEY understood Person A said). If Person B did not understand correctly, Person A would restate in a different manner. If Person B did understand correctly, communication was successful. Words are not merely spoken. They need to be UNDERSTOOD. Parties in a successful marriage not only talk to the other person (instead of assuming that they can read minds) but also listen to what the other person says. Listening involves paying close attention to what is being communicated instead of concentrating on what the reply is going to be. Humans were created with two ears and only one mouth. Therefore, listening should be done twice as often as speaking. If you want to know how good of a communicator you really are, ask your spouse and be prepared for honesty. 2. Alone Time This is not referring to alone time with each other (which is a different point here), but to actual alone time of the person. There is a time when everyone needs to “get away” from life and that would include the significant other. Sanity is only possible with that. Allow and even encourage the other person to seek alone time. It can be by talking walks, indulging in their hobbies, or even escaping for a weekend to refresh. Sabbaticals from all aspect of life is important to recharge and get your energy back. Though spouse might be gone for this weekend, be assured that if each of you are committed to each other your alone time will be coming soon. 3. Date Dating should not end when the “I do’s” are said. Dating is a time to get to know each other and grow closer. When the ceremony is over, you are only at the beginning of that journey still. There is a lot more to learn. Be very deliberate to keep dating. In all honesty, that is much easier before children arrive. Once there are others in the immediate family, finding that time to escape with each other will seem impossible. But there are always ways. There is the standard “hire and babysitter and go out” night. Then there is the “lock yourself in the basement” night. And don’t forget the “guilt the grandparents” night. But it can be done. There is a great hub Start a Date Night Babysitting Co-Op on how to raise a family and still get those nights out by working with others in the same boat. I would advise you to check it out and see what ideas could work for you. 4. Respect If there is no respect in the marriage, there is no marriage. Respect means to give special attention or honor to something or someone. It does not mean ridicule or make fun of. With respect, grows love and sacrifice. With respect is given a sense of value by the other person. In all honesty, do you want to be around anyone who does not respect you? In other words think that you are meaningless and not worth their time? Of course not. Respect has to be there for the other person as a person, as a representative of their gender, as a human with feelings like yourself. So how do you have respect? Focus on their good qualities. See where they shine. We can acknowledge the weaknesses without letting them overshadow it all. 5. Loyalty If you refuse to stand up for your spouse to your “friends” or your family, it cannot be a successful marriage. Now, I’m not purposing that you dump them all or stay in strife with them. But there will come a time you will have to decide between husband/wife or family/friends. If the husband or wife is not chosen, there is no marriage. So many times, the in-laws or the best friends begin a critical attack of the spouse. It might start off subtle, but over time it becomes extremely nasty and ugly. Silence tells your spouse that you agree with the attacks and that you feel the same way. Do you really mean to tell your loved one that? Do you really want them to feel that you don’t like anything about them? Let your spouse know that you care by letting everyone else know that. Your husband/wife has flaws because after all they are mere humans, but they have your love and are important to you. If the others don’t understand this, you might be better off without them.

He is handsome, he is charming and he is taken… Every year countless women trip into the big triangle trap of falling in love with a married man. Some women Will back off as soon as they notice the ring or see him with his wife or just sense any clue that tells them he is married. Other women though perhaps looking for that “adrenaline rush” will hold on and start or continue the relationship regardless of his marital status.

…Click here to read more

To keep romance alive and nurture the intimacy in your marriage, you’ll want to know a number of ways to express your feelings to your spouse.

There are certainly times when you’ll want to put a significant amount of time and energy into a project that shows your love for your spouse in a major way, such as planning a surprise birthday dinner party that includes family and friends or a new deck that you spend several weekends building.

But it’s also important for you to know a number of smaller gestures you can make to convey loving feelings on a frequent basis. Little expressions of love and appreciation add up over time and can help ensure that your relationship will keep its special sparkle and glow.

Here are fifteen ways to say “I love you” that you can easily implement even during a busy work week:

1. Blow your spouse a kiss as you walk through the room. Smile, and let your eyes twinkle mischievously. You might remain silent, or you could say something such as, “Catch!” or “This is for you!”

2. Surprise your spouse by kissing the back of his (or her) neck as he sits in a low-backed chair that gives you easy access to his neck, such as a dining room chair or a computer chair. (For an extra reaction, you might lick his neck one or two strokes with your tongue after you kiss it)

3. Give her (or him) a brief neck and shoulder massage.

4. Leave a sweet message on his (or her) voice mail.

5. Send a short but sweet email. (Don’t send your spouse a sexually explicit email at work. Save those for his or her personal email account.)

6. Write a one sentence note that describes a specific trait or quality that you love about your spouse, such as “I love your beautiful blue eyes that remind me of the sea.”

Or you could write, “I love your fabulous shoulder muscles that make you look so strong and sexy.” Put this note in your spouse’s purse, lunch, or brief case, or on his (or her) bed pillow.

7. Give your spouse a lingering, wet kiss, accompanied by a full body hug. (Many relationship gurus advocate that couples do this at least once every day.)

8. Hug your spouse and scratch her back at the same time. If you’re lucky, your spouse will also scratch your back while you’re scratching hers.

…Click here to read more

A happy marriage seems to only exist in fairy tales in today’s world. The divorce rate is rising each year. If you ask the average married couple, they will admit that divorce has crossed their minds many times. Men are looking for wives who won’t nag and actually understand them. Women are looking for husbands who are sensitive to their needs and actually understand them. In the end both parties of a marriage are looking for the same thing: a happy relationship.

But how can a marriage survive much less be happy in this day and age? Much of it means coming back to the basics of human relationships.

1. Communication

The biggest success indicator in any relationship (personal or professional) is good communication from all parties. Looking at the bare basics of it, communication does not involve just talking to someone or keeping them up to date on things. These are important parts, but communication goes much deeper than that. If you’ve never taken a speech/communication class, you should. You begin to learn that communication might involve you speaking, but that is only the beginning. Person A speaks – communication begins. Person B listens (not just hears). Person B communicates verbally or physically that they understand what Person A said (either by acting out or repeating what THEY understood Person A said). If Person B did not understand correctly, Person A would restate in a different manner. If Person B did understand correctly, communication was successful. Words are not merely spoken. They need to be UNDERSTOOD. Parties in a successful marriage not only talk to the other person (instead of assuming that they can read minds) but also listen to what the other person says. Listening involves paying close attention to what is being communicated instead of concentrating on what the reply is going to be. Humans were created with two ears and only one mouth. Therefore, listening should be done twice as often as speaking.
…Click here to read more

We see it all over in the media and the fantasies of our own minds: that perfect relationship where nothing ever goes wrong, nobody is ever sad or hurt, and the Princess and her Knight in Shining Armor go riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Sadly, reality tells us that this is hardly the case, relationships are like anything, they take real work and effort as well as compromise, honesty, trust and a little bit of tears.

The responsibility for cultivating a real and lasting relationship lies on both parties, typically defined in “male” and “female” roles. These roles have very little to do with gender, most often, and settle more into stereotypes based on societal norms developed over thousands of years. For the sake of the reader, however, I will examine the way a relationship can be improved from the heterosexual stereotypes – and try and inject some of my own personal humor along the way. Ladies, we’ve got a difficult task in front of us. How do we fix all the things we vent about to our friends? In some cases, do we really want to? If you know that the partner you have is one you want to keep, then let’s look at a few ways to improve on some of the things YOU do, but don’t admit to doing.
First off, start admitting your part in difficulties. By taking responsibility for the things you make difficult, the fights you start, the little signs you give that you’re unhappy about something, you can separate yourself from a purely emotional position and begin to analyze solutions to your problems.
Second, express yourself vocally more often. Did something upset you enough that you won’t be ‘over it’ in an hour or so? Talk about it! Sometimes your man does things that he just doesn’t realize hurt you. Don’t worry, you do the same thing to him!
Third, maybe it IS time to wear that outfit that you think is just awful but really gets his eyes twinkling. I don’t care if it is two sizes too small, trashy, or makes your least favorite feature pop into the limelight. You’re not wearing it for yourself.
Fourth, let him do what he wants to do more often! As hard as it may be to believe, you CAN be totally in love with someone and want some alone time or to do something the other doesn’t like at all. Variety is the spice of life, but it’s no good on your omelettes.
Fifth, and this one is a doozy – warn him about your mood swings when you feel them coming on. You want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, right? If you don’t then what the heck are you doing with him? (Unless he’s in his senior years and filthy stinking rich, then we all know why you’re with him. Keep humping sandpaper, Mrs. Digger.)
Sixth, just shut up sometimes. No really, don’t even say anything. You’re witty, you’re pretty, he loves you, but if you say what you’re thinking but really don’t mean then you could start a pattern of meaningless arguments.
Seventh, giving him the cold shoulder will not always work, so don’t do it to spite him – do it to give yourself the time to chew through your emotions and get to a more reasonable mental condition.
Eighth, don’t ask questions you don’t want the honest answer to – and don’t ask loaded questions, he’ll just get them wrong and you’ll be mad. It won’t matter that it’s YOUR fault you’re mad, you’ll project that blame on him and cry about how awful he is to you later.
Ninth, please don’t rush him. More often than not he’s willing to do what you ask of him, but the more you push him, the less he’ll want to do it.
Tenth, if you want to unload and vent about your day but just want him to hear you out and then move on, tell him that! When you talk about things that upset you, his natural reaction will be to go back to the stone age and club/spear/slingshot your enemies to keep his woman safe. Most men don’t understand that you’ll need to get things off your chest then move on with life

If trust in your love relationship has been broken because of infidelity or another betrayal, your situation might feel bleak and even hopeless. You may remember a time when you felt close and connected with this person. Now, that time seems distant. Or it could be that you never felt a strong bond of trust between the two of you. In either case, the kind of relationship that you want to have may appear elusive and even impossible.

In difficult times, it is vital that you stay focused on what you want and also on your next step. If it feels overwhelming to think too far ahead, don’t. You can keep what you want in mind as a goal and then look only as far as your very next decision. Believe it or not, a trust turnaround can happen after a series of seemingly small steps. They all can add up to that relationship you desire– whether it’s …Click here to read more

Without the latest statistics in front of me, I’m guessing the divorce rate in this country is still about fifty percent. One in two marriages last until one partner or the other dies of old age. So the statistics for a dating relationship even making it to the altar in the first place must be pretty scary!

The whole point of dating is to find Mr. or Ms. Right – the person who, sixty years from now, you want to sit next to on the sofa and still hold hands with. Unfortunately, as my grandmother says, “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find that prince.”

So how do you buck the terrible odds and kiss a lot less frogs? By honestly answering these questions:

Are you comfortable spending time by yourself? A person who’s ready to be in a relationship is comfortable with who he or she already is. Do you already strike a balance between spending time with friends on Saturday and spending time by yourself on Sunday? And by “time” I don’t mean an hour spent alone getting ready to go out with people. I mean quality time alone in a park, or a museum, or just sitting at home reading a good book (NOT chatting on the Internet or watching TV!).

The goal of spending time by yourself is to build mental and emotional self-reliance and, ultimately, to become your own best friend. Only then will you have the emotional resources to intimately share your life with someone on a long-term basis.

Do you like yourself? One of my favorite musicals of all time is RENT. And one of my favorite lines from the show is, “You’ll never share real love until you love yourself,” because it’s so true. If you don’t like yourself, if your self-esteem is in the toilet and sinking fast, it’s natural to try to find someone else to make you feel better about yourself: “Hey! He likes me! I must be an okay person.”

Finding someone else to boost your self-image is the worst possible thing you can do.

Let me illustrate this point in a way I hope you don’t ever forget: After my first husband David and I separated, I felt pretty unlovable. Unworthy of happiness. After all, I’d just help screw up a fairy-tale high school romance and happily-ever-after marriage which apparently wasn’t so happily-ever-after after all. To say my self-image was digging its own hole to China (and succeeding) is an understatement. Right in the middle of this, I met Vincent. He was attracted to my low self-esteem because he could exploit it to convince me that all the physical, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse (not to mention witnessing his own drug and alcohol abuse) he put me through was all my fault. And boy, did I believe him. For two and a half painful years, I believed him.

Abusers like people who don’t like themselves – they’re such fun to play with!

Have you ever lived alone? So many of us go from living at home with our parents to living with college roommates to living with a significant other, to living with several significant others in succession that we don’t know how to live by and with ourselves. This relates back to question number one, above. Living alone forces us to sometimes be alone – even when we’d rather not. Like at two o’clock in the morning with a tornado warning in the area and you discover your cat has just died.

Living alone also forces you to become a responsible, self-reliant person. In other words, a grown-up. Bills have to be paid on time, the toilet has to be unstopped, and trash has to be taken out – and there’s no one else around to do these things but you.

Hint: people who make the best candidates for a stable long-term relationship are grown-ups. And they’re going to limit their search for Mr. or Ms. Forever to people they can tell are fellow grown-ups. I’m just sayin’.

Are you solidly on a career path or slumming at McDonald’s, and then Wendy’s, and then Burger Barn? You may be the best hamburger assembler on the planet, but if you’re switching crappy jobs every six weeks, people looking for a long-term romance are going to pass you over in favor of some nerdy English major every time. Why? The English major has the potential for financial and employment stability, and you do not. Think really hard about going to school, even if it’s one or two classes at a time. Self-improvement builds self-esteem. Self-esteem builds healthy, long-term relationships. Trust me, I know this one from experience.

Of course, if you’re an English major working your way through school by asking, “do you want fries with that?”, well, that’s different. And good for you!

Are you emotionally mature enough? You pay your bills on time, have a spotless refrigerator and can wash a car with the best of them, but every time you get into a relationship you’re calling his or her cell phone every half hour on the half hour “just because I need to.” If something bad happens to you at work, it’s never your fault. Come to think of it, none of your past break-ups were in any way your fault, either!

Grow up. And think. You probably don’t want to spend the rest of your life with some clingy, needy, immature, whiny person who never acknowledges his or her own errors and who never makes amends when something goes wrong. That wouldn’t be very much fun, right? Well, guess what? If you’re like that yourself – and be honest, you could be and not even know it – no one is going to want to spend the rest of his or her life with you.

If you honestly answered “yes” to the above questions, then don’t worry. Mr. or Ms. Right is probably on their way to you right now. If you answered “no”, and you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired of being alone, I humbly suggest you embark on an adventure of self-discover and self-improvement. What can I say? It works!

Besides, what have you got to lose?

In any relationship it takes work and effort. Friendships, Marriages, Dating or just casual get-togethers can go in many directions and can build and grow depending on how much time, effort and willingness on both parties to make it worthwhile. To me a great relationship is one that is interesting, good conversation, common interests and plenty of room for trying new things and being spontaneous. No body likes to get into a rut. Doing things the way you have always done them will lead to the same old results. When two people first meet, either as friends, acquaintances, or lovers its always fresh, new, exciting and something to look forward to, simply because its not predictable and each person is learning about the other person.8 Ways to add new life into your marriage or relationship Join a activity group together – get with other couples and go hiking or have a camp fire. Learn a new hobby or sport – play a round of golf or go horse back riding, mountain climbing, or boat sailing together. Cook together – pick a recipe that is new and get the ingredients and prepare it together and then eat it in the middle of the dining room floor (bare-feet required) Have Story-Time before bed – read a book, each one taking turns.Or if you have a crazy imagination make up a story to tell. Write each other a poem or love letter and stick it in their purse or travel bag when they are not looking. Go to an adult toy store together and act like you don’t know each other. Go to a book store like Barnes and Nobles, give each other a project, one of you has to find a book on a particular topic and the other one has to find a book on the same topic and compare notes ( did you pick the same book?) Pretend like you are two kids that have not grown up and throw all the grown up stuff out the window for one day and see what happens! …Click here to read more

Plan What You’re Going To Say

Communication skills are essential if you want great relationships

Your whole life consists of relationships….

The way to measure how effective your communication skills are is to look at the results you get. Then compare them to the results that you wanted.

Most people don’t plan out what they are going to say and then wonder why they get results, they didn’t plan on getting. In the diagram below there is a guideline for planning out your communication.

Now, don’t go and become a machine that plans out every last syllable. This is for those important conversations where you need precision.

…Click here to read more

Relationship Heartbreak

One of my close friends went into a relationship towards the end of last year. She’d only been in the relationship a short while but new that it may not work out because the guy wasn’t a Christian. Religion is an important criteria for her in a prospective partner. It is for me as well. She decided to give it a go for a couple of months anyway. But while the guy seemed sweet and caring etc, he had no interest in it. So she had to end it. It would never work out in the long run. She was wiser than I was in realizing that there is no point getting into something that you just know is going to end later.

And while it may appear like it was no big deal to some people, it was pretty upsetting for her because they seemed to click and she related well to him. I never met the guy but I could tell my friend was really affected by the break up. Having gone through a break up in the not too distant past myself, I decided to write to her and try to get her out of the state of anguish she’d found herself in.

I basically wanted to write a list of all the feelings I experienced (or others experience) when they have just come out of a break up in a relationship. The purpose of it was to better understand how she was feeling and to demonstrate that despite the state of mind you entertain at the time, other people really do know what you are going through even though you think they don’t really understand. I was reading it again the other day and thought I would share it with you, on the off chance it might help someone else.

Break Up – Moving On (Feelings Edition)

Tick the appropriate boxes that represent how you are currently feeling as you are getting over your break up.

Disclaimer: the ending is tailored towards Christian readers – please no religion bashing

[ ] broken hearted (no brainer)
[ ] you feel unloved
[ ] your energy is pretty “unsettled”
[ ] you’re on edge
[ ] you don’t want to do anything
[ ] you can’t focus on anything, including work
[ ] you’re hurting
[ ] you feel like you’ve hurt someone else, without wanting to, just by being honest with them about your feelings toward them
[ ] the person that’s hurt doesn’t want to remain friends or even talk to you any more. Ever.
[ ] the more you think about it the more you want to cry
[ ] you put on a fake smile while really feeling numb & emotionless inside
[ ] you feel unattractive
[ ] everyone else has found someone & you wonder what the hell is wrong with you
[ ] there are plenty of fish in the sea, but the sea is full of jellyfish when you’re looking for salmon
[ ] plus there’s a hole in your fishing net…
[ ] you feel that life is passing you by & you can’t see yourself getting married when you’d like to or to whom you’d like
[ ] the Bible passages you’ve read in the past don’t seem to (really) help
[ ] you lack faith, because God hasn’t yet made the pain go away
[ ] your friends are supportive, but you think they don’t really know how you feel
[ ] your family is trying hard to make you happy, you appreciate it and you try, but can’t manage it just yet
[ ] there’s a really hollow feeling in your heart, like a bottomless pit
[ ] you feel alone and abandoned, even though you might be surrounded by people
[ ] you feel there is no person out there that fits every one of the criteria you would like in your ideal partner. You feel you’ll have to settle for less eventually.
[ ] the current situation is your fault – you caused it, so now you’re suffering.
[ ] you don’t have the energy to keep searching for the right person to come along – the more you look, the harder it gets.
[ ] you wish that if you could have handled things a little differently or approached it in another way, then maybe it could have worked out
[ ] the situation is more than you can take and you consider ending it (ok, i really hope you don’t feel this bad guys!)
[ ] that wine with dinner is tasting really good, because it can make you sleep when you otherwise can’t because there are too many thoughts going on in your head
[ ] there is nothing and no one in the world that can make you feel better right now
[ ] you’re depressed and feel there is just no hope
[ ] you feel like you are smart enough and should be able to deal with it on your own but you’re at a complete loss how, despite the fact that you are wiser than other people and have more options at your disposal
[ ] you find yourself more sensitive to things and songs on the radio can move you to tears (from its content, not its quality!)
[ ] you feel that the whole experience has changed you and that you’ll never be the same person again
[ ] you start to think while ticking a lot of these boxes that you’re not the only one that has been through this before and that at least the person who wrote this list has experienced a similar sense of deep loss
[ ] you start to realise that this feeling you’re having is not because there is something wrong with you or your way of thinking, it is actually a universal feeling – including its unbearable intensity
[ ] you wonder if there really is such a device, like in sci-fi, like a doorway or something that you can just walk through such that it can completely strip away every sorrowful feeling or thought in an instant, completely cleansing you
[ ] you pretend that doorway actually exists and it is the door to your bedroom. (you activate it by standing under it and turning the light switch off.) It doesn’t work unless you close your eyes so you can feel its effects. While the negative emotions start being zapped off of you like an insect buzzer, all of a sudden a picture of Jesus pops up in your mind. The next instant you’ve been teleported to a special place in Heaven where it is just you and Him. He tells you not to worry and He asks you to give him your heart. You find yourself opening your chest and reaching inside your physical body. You hand Him a withered, twitching red object that resembles a prune. You even wonder how it has been keeping you alive lately. Meanwhile, you’re still alive because He has one hand on your shoulder, while the other receives your heart. As soon as He touches it, you see it start filling up with His love. Pretty soon it glistens and looks whole and has a healthy beat once more. He puts it back inside your chest and you feel yourself re-energizing like you’ve just been given new batteries. He says “Be patient. Have faith.” As you snap back to Earth and open your eyes, you find that you do. You’re not over the moon but that whole experience has filled you with a sense of calmness and you realise there is hope and that in time, things will get better – God really is looking out for you and He does have someone special for you. You pray that God will help you recognise that person when the time is right and continue to give you strength while you traverse the hilly and winding path to reach that person…
[ ] Through Him, all things are made new.
[ ] Marco Fratelli is talking nonsense, I don’t know what he is on about, I’m going to hit him when I see him next…